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The 6 nations is back this weekend and back with a major Bang!
Before the last round of games the Ireland vs Wales game was tipped to be the title decider. Unfortunately (for the Welsh amongst us) that didn’t seem to be the case.
Three pretty big games this weekend will change the shape of the whole tournament. Wales vs France, England vs Ireland and Scotland vs Italy will all impact the tournament in major ways.
Wales vs France
Wales will be looking to bounce back against France after a disappointing couple of games to start the tournament. Gatland, true to form, has stayed with the majority of the team, the only casualty from the Irish demolition job being Mike Phillips. Luke Charteris returns after a hamstring injury and should solidify the Welsh lineout (at 6ft 11 if he can’t there’s something wrong). The back row, which in my opinion needed to be changed, remains the same. Sam Warburton again captains the team despite his shocking record as captain. In my opinion Justin Tipuric must be the unluckiest player in the world, he’s in form, he’s one of the best opensides in the Northern Hemisphere but he’s unlucky that Gatland (stubborn as he is) has pinned his flag to the mast by making Warburton his captain.
I have to mention the bench too where James Hook must be close to breaking point with impatience. The inclusion of Dan Biggar alongside him (who can only play outside half) basically means that he will not be used at 10 and is on the bench only because he has the ability to cover every position in the backline.
France, on the other hand look more settled and are playing better rugby than since they won the grandslam in 2010. They’ve got a nice blend of hard edge up front and flair in the backline. Outhalf remains the major bone of contention in the team with Saint Andre seemingly unable to decide who to pick. They’ve looked good so far this tournament, with a last minute win over England and a comprehensive win over Italy. But they’re French, and as such there is always going to be questions over their ability to show up and perform away from home.
There’s going to be some big match ups in this game. George North vs Bastareaud in the centre, the scrum is going to be massive and the battle of the back threes will be something special. If France can keep their discipline and not allow Wales any go forward ball then I can see a French win. However, in Cardiff on a Friday night with 80,000 daffodil wearing mad taffs screaming hyms and arias I can see Wales making a proper fight of it. I think this will go to the wire with the Cardiff factor seeing Wales win by 2-3 points.
England vs Ireland.
This is my match of the weekend. I think this is going to be a war. I don’t expect anything too flash from either team but it will be intense, gripping, a battle. From Ireland’s point of view they have to win to keep up the chance of a grand slam, England have to win to hold to a chance to win the tournament.
Unlike that homophobic dinosaur, Neil Francis (if you haven’t read what this stone age cretin had to say about gay people playing sport you should go check it out here) I don’t think Ireland will “smash” England’s scrum at all. Yeah they’re missing Dan Cole but Wilson is by no means a bad scrummager and was seriously impressive when he played for England in Argentina last summer.
The English pack is settled, dominant and powerful. Vuinipola at number 8 has added the hard carrying edge that they’ve lacked in recent years. Their lineout is strong and they won’t get steam rolled like the Welsh pack did. I expect England to play alot up front. They’re not an expansive exciting team (they never will be with Farrell at 10 and Twelvetrees at 12) but they’re direct, physical and intense. Mike Brown at full back has been awesome so far this tournament and while they may not play the most rugby they’re very difficult to beat…expecially at Twickenham.
Ireland under Joe Schmidt have been more than impressive. They’ve played differently every game and that makes them a very hard team to beat. They can play the tight, physically dominant game (see the Wales game), they can play intense and expansive (see the New Zealand game), without doubt Schmidt will have done his homework and will have a game plan to beat England. O’Driscoll’s thirteenth and final test against England should provide some extra fireworks.
Again this is going to be a very, very close game. I’d love to say Ireland will win and I will say Ireland will win. But it’s going to be their toughest test yet this tournament.
And finally we have the wooden spoon decider…again. Scotland and Italy.
After an impressive start against Wales Italy were poor against France. I can just never see where they’re going to win games. They have a great (although aging slightly) pack but there’s just nothing outside of them to get excited about. A flaky (at best) half back pairing, unremarkable centres and a blunt attacking back three. Outside of the driving maul, pick and drives and scrum I just don’t see much of a threat from the Italians. Parisse is outstanding, has been for years, and carries the team.
Scotland…well…I don’t know where to start. It seems like every season before the 6 nations there’s an optimism around Scottish rugby that always fails to deliver. Terrible discipline, poor skills and a lack of cohesion. After their performance against England there were actually calls for them to be dropped out of the 6 nations.
Their pack for a few seasons was physical, they were defensively solid and had great discipline (think back to that win against Australia in the hurricane). But recently they’ve just gone backwards (if that was possible), there’s so much passion, and desperation to play well that it’s sad to see how bad they are. Vern Cotter must be regretting agreeing to take that job.
This game might actually be entertaining. Two bad teams playing against each other, desperate for the win might provide some entertainment. I think Italy might actually sneak this one.
So there we have it. Wales, Ireland and Italy (maybe) to win.
Anybody agree or disagree?
The 5 Different Girls You Meet
Nightclubs…god you gotta love them. A hot, sweaty building reeking of too much perfume and male desperation where the music is almost always awful, you have to wait an hour for a drink and the bouncers are pricks.
Then there’s the girls.
God we all love club girls.
Clubgirl Number 1: The Slut
Natural Habitat: The dancefloor
Length of Skirt: Isn’t that a belt?
Type of dancing: Stripperesque (usually grinding their ass into some lads crotch like their working for tips)
Level of Fake Tan: Did your dad have sex with a Cheeto?
Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a dig at sluts. Hell I love sluts, some of my best friends are sluts (use the term “friend” loosely here). All I’m saying is that the girl in the leopard print playsuit rolling her tongue around the straw in her drink is probably going to be easier to get into than Carlow IT.
Usually in a group of friends with equal or slightly less level of sluttiness these girls are the girls that you don’t have to approach, don’t have to talk to and all the communication you need (or want) with them can be narrowed down to a single gesture.
Only in a club for one thing and one thing only (also happens to be the same reason every bloke ever goes to clubs).
Level of Easiness: 10/10
Clubgirl Number 2: The Tease
Natural Habitat: Your lap
Length of Skirt: Almost non-existant
Type of Dancing: Pole
Level of Fake Tan: Michael McIntyre (anyone else noticed much more orange and Chinese looking he’s been lately?)
The tease usually comes in two types.
The first is the tease that dances with other girls, maybe a cheeky snog with other girls and basically puts on a full lesbian display for the amusement of the lads. And God bless these girls. Aside from the fact that these girls are never going to go home with you they’re pretty much awesome…if you like getting chaffing because your jeans seem to have become several sizes too small.
They do all this while keeping a watchful eye on all men around them just to make sure that they have everyone’s full attention. And what do we do men? We watch the fuck out of them.
Attention seekers is all they are and as soon as we stop watching the lesbionic display stops.
The second type is far, far more sinister. We’ve all been there lads. This girl’s been giving you the eye for a while so you make your way over (you big studly tiger you) buy her a drink, maybe chat for a while, heavy flirting. Next thing you know she’s using her ass like a blackboard duster and your crotch is covered in all that dust that just needs to be rubbed off.
She takes you back to the seating area, sits on your lap, few cheeky kisses. All going well so far eh? Wait for it.
Oh what’s that? She suddenly remembers she can’t leave her friends alone (after half an hour of them being without her while she straddled you and gave your tonsils a good old inspection). She wanders off into the club only for you to see her later giving someone else the exact same treatment and you left alone to start the whole process all over again. You will never have sex with this girl. Just stop trying.
Like the professional massage parlour…definitely no happy ending.
Level of Easiness: 0/10
Clubgirl Number 3: The Shy Girl
Natural Habitat: Behind her friends
Length of Skirt: …is that a pair of jeans?
Type of Dancing: Awkward wedding dancer
Level of Fake Tan: Natural Irish
Also known as “the friend of the girl your mate is chatting to” the shy girl is an entirely different kettle of frogs to everything else we’ve encountered so far.
We’ve all been wingmen at some stage or another and our primary job as a wingman is to distract the friend that’s no fun while your mate(s) chat up the far more lively girls. Usually slowly sips one or two drinks for the while night while her mates neck shot after shot.
If plied with enough alcohol “the shy girl” can loosen up and you may even get her to hit the dancefloor…where the awkwardness really begins. While you do your best running man she awkwardly stands there sporadically dancing in short bursts in between saying “I don’t dance, I don’t dance.”
Usually if enough time is spent with them ie. more time than any man is willing to talk to any girl in a nightclub, these girls loosen up and are good fun to be around. Very, very occasionally resulting in a few kisses and exchanging of number (good work studly).
Very rarely sex.
Level of Easiness: 4/10
Clubgirl Number 4: The Alcoholic
Natural Habitat: Holding up the bar
Length of Skirt: Doesn’t matter, usually covered in vomit by the end of the night
Type of Dancing: Drunken stumbling
Level of Fake Tan: It’s all been washed off by spilled vodka, tears and puke
We all know them (most of them seem to live in Coppers) the girl that’s drunker when she arrives than you are when you leave. Barely able to talk, usually either crying, screaming or passed out in a corner covered in her own puke.
Up until they reach the point where horizontal is far easier than vertical these girls are usually great fun. Downing shots of anything and drinking anything that you put in front of them.
Easy takings if you have no morals or sense of decency at all (as I’m sure most of you don’t). These girls are renowned for shouting loudly, starting fights, peeing on the street, passing out in corners and getting date raped.
Level of Easiness: …totally depends on how your mother raised you
Clubgirl Number 5: The Woo Girls
Natural Habitat: In a giant group of fellow woo girls
Length of Skirt: Usually a hen night or birthday so all sorts
Type of Dancing: With each other/Male Stripper all while screaming (WOOO)
Woo Girls is a phrase I have stolen from the fantastic Mr. Barney Stinson. Woo girls are what happens when any of the above type of girls get together in a group for an event, hen party, birthday, divorce party…anything that women do together.
Woo girls can be a mixture of all the other types of clubgirl, and to keep the society of woo strong there will be at least one member of each group in a woo group.
Instantly recognised by pink cowboy hats and/or bunny ears these girls will destroy anything in their path. From far away they will all look gorgeous due to something known as the cheerleader effect. When you separate one from the herd you’ll discover why woo girls only hunt in packs. Alone they are vulnerable but together they are invincible. Kind of like a drunk, female, much louder version of the 300.
They will dance together, drink together, attack innocent men together and request terrible, terrible music together.
No group of woo girls has ever gone a night without at least one of them getting the baps out for the lads…It just happens.
Level of Easiness: If you can separate them from the herd then they’re usually drunk enough for you to be good looking 7/10
Please note that on any night one girl is capable of being any of the above different types of clubgirl. They can also be all types of clubgirl in one night. And if they are in a group they will all be woo girls.
Beware the WOO
Why this is a shock?
Do you remember secondary school? Or even college? Basically you were always told (well I was) that when you make it to the “real world” that you’ll be whatever you want to be. And that life will be awesome.
Remember meetings with your guidance counsellor? “You can do anything you want” was their mantra. Yeah…thanks for that, because filing away invoices that nobody cares about is what I always wanted to do when we were playing “grown ups” as a kid.
The boring monotony of everybody pretending that this is really important is what always drove me to get up in the morning (this last sentence may or may not be dripping with sarcasm…hint: it is)
2. What you studied in college (unless it’s a professional course) will mean nothing.
Unless you studied to be a doctor or a lawyer or something that people actually need to be qualified for then your degree is pretty much useless. I have a very nice degree in Journalism and a Masters in Radio and Television production. All in all four pretty expensive years in college.
Wanna know everything I learned aside from how to do jaegerbombs like a pro and learning which girls can be trusted to take contraception?
Just click here to find out all you need to know.
That’s it. That three page PDF just taught you everything I learned from lectures apart from how to sleep until midday, wake up, get some food, then decide not to go to your lecture and go to the pub instead. Which, in all honesty, is a harder skill than I make it sound.
And then when I eventually got a job (in a field completely unrelated to anything I studied) I found out that the people that are getting paid significantly more than I was were people that had never been to college…something about that just doesn’t seem fair (in case you haven’t guessed I don’t do PR for any universities)
Why this is a shock?
When I was in college I was told that I was being trained to become a fully functioning member of society. A person that could exist within a working environment.
In reality what I was being taught was how to be awesome at being in college, which unless you plan on doing a PhD and becoming a lecturer, isn’t going to help you in a job. In a job there aren’t people constantly reminding you that that assignment is due tomorrow. You don’t get grades back on things, your bosses just call you an incompetent moron behind your back. Or in my case “my god that guy’s some sort of filing genius, an Einstein of the filing world.”
College helps you be good at being in college, working makes you good at work. Reference the jaegerbombs mentioned previously. And little did I know that being able to down a Captain America’s pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea would be of little to no use to me in an office. Also, that sleeping until Maury was on tv is perhaps the least helpful thing for my career I have ever done (shock horror: you are the baby daddy but she’s still a slut.)
3. Algebra does not help you
Now I don’t mean to brag but when I was in school I was amazing at Maths. So I was sure that my place as “King of the Nerds” would help me achieve a similar standing in the workplace…boy was I wrong.
Ever had to solve a differential equation since you left school? Obviously if you’re a mathematician or physicist this doesn’t apply to you but if you are a mathematician or physicist why are you reading anything that I’m writing? Was it the Einstein reference in the previous section that lead you here?
Basically no matter how good you are at something in school, unless that something is directly related to what you’re working in it will be of no use to you.
Take me for example. Figuring out how the area of a circle expands as the circumference gets bigger isn’t going to help me write better boob jokes on the internet…
Why this is a shock?
Ever get told by your maths teacher that Algebra will help you? Well now’s the time to go postal and show up at their door to bludgeon them with “Texts and Tests 4.” Likewise I have yet to find myself in a social or professional situation in Ireland where being able to name all the presidents involved in the Vietnam War was able to help me.
Besides I don’t NEED to know any of this stuff…google exists for a reason. With smart phones there is literally no question that cannot be answered in minutes, rendering all education a farce.
Well there we have it. Why everything you have ever been told has been a God damn lie. Surely this ranks up there with finding out that Santa is really just your Uncle in a fake beard and discovering that unless you plan on cutting those boobs open, Boob inspector isn’t a real job…I had a lot of plans hanging on that one.
It’s time for me to use this blog as a soap box for my own personal ranting I feel.
First up, star signs. Seriously? Star signs? Are you a medieval witch hunter? “Oh my god he was born under the seventh moon he must be a leader of great men”…bollox! In my (not so) humble opinion people who believe in this stuff are just looking for a deeper meaning in something that is purely coincidental.
Par example, I am a Leo and while I do have some of the characteristic (I tend to prefer leading to following and I’m quite proud of myself in all I do whether it’s justified or not) other traits that I’m supposed to posses because of the time of year I was born at I don’t have at all. Athena Starwoman (I doubt that’s her real name) says “Once a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and faithful. Should their heart or trust be broken they never forgive or forget. When a relationship breaks down (even a long standing one) they can disappear into the sunset without a backward look. Leos can cut ties, and leave others heartbroken, but usually there is a good reason why they have broken a tryst. For a Leo, when a relationship is over, really over, it is over for good.”
Now, I’m not entirely sure of this but I’m fairly confident in the fact that is very much not me. In fact I believe the opposite is true of men and anyone that knows me will tell you that I cling to relationships like the toilet paper clings to a drunk girl’s heel in a night club.
And I’m also stubborn, am prone to violent mood alterations (sometimes I just wanna cuddle ok??), sometimes I’m seriously motivated and other times I could go days without moving except for scratching myself. If these were accurate I think I should now be called a Aurusiminicanlevirrapioariusicorniussces.
But honestly, this is like people who believe in Tarot cards and the tooth fairy. Stop it, just stop you’re only embarrassing yourself now.
Ok rant over 🙂 On a positive note I bought a new car today, let’s hope I have more luck with this one or by the power of Thor I will raise the Kraken and destroy this giant turtle we all live on called earth.
Hey if you can believe in star signs…
Forgive me readers for I have sinned, it’s been four days since I last blogged.
This isn’t easy for me to admit and I know that in many of your eyes I will be a far lesser man after I admit this. I, Ben Harrison, being of sound body and mind broke the bro code in a most heinous way.
I saw sex and the city 2.
Hang on a second before you stop reading. I was (due to my yes man status) obliged to go when asked. Afterwards I realised I should have said no due to the fact that it in fact caused my eyes and ears physical harm.
Now I’m not one to completely lambaste a film if it’s not good but this “film” (if you can even call it that) actually made me angry. There was no story line at all, the characters were ridiculous, the women in the cinema would not stop whooping and singing along. (for god’s sake it’s the cinema not a concert and since when does the cinema serve alcopops?) and it was TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG.
In fact the only thing I laughed at in this film was how rubbery and snake like Liza Minelli was (that was more laughing at her trying to dance than anything though).
I’m all for female empowerment as long as there’s sandwiches involved. Just joking ladies*.
This film defies logic. In short I was phycially ill after watching it. My accomplice on that evening was sat in complete wonder at the moronic and stupidly prepubescent problems that these women were going through and the only time her gaze left the screen was to draw an extremely audible breath (bordering on moans of sexual pleasure) when the Australian rugby team showed up in their speedos. Or to quickly shout out “Oh my God I want Charlotte’s shoes.”
I understand that this film has its place and I don’t expect women to enjoy the male equivelant of these type of films (the expendables is out August 13th) but at least these films will have men that the female viewers can fantasize about. Whats is there in SATC? Kim Catrall looked like some sort of dried up lizard alien and Sarah Jessica Parker was looking even more horselike than ever.
The four “girls” (I’m still not convinced) doing karaoke was so cringe worthy I gently rolled over and snored a little louder apparently.
The thing that summed up how awful this movie was for me is when Carrie admitted to Big (what a ridiclous name) that she smooched her ex on holidays…and he bought her a wedding ring!! Seriously? Not even a demand of extremely rough make up sex. Very unrealistic.
Despite the shaky start to my first weekend as a Yes Man the rest of it turned out pretty good. Friday night myself, my fellow Yes Man and a very good mutual friend went for a drive. The idea was to go find that place next to the view point where it looks as if your car is moving back up the hill when you take your foot off the clutch (first time I heard of it too.) However getting lost and ending up driving down a lane narrower than the car at 80 miles an hour with a horse jumping out at us made the evening slightly more entertaining to say the least. I actually thought it was the road from “Last house on the left” and I was genuinely terrified we would find the house from shrooms and get raped by some inbred mountain hick.
Out until 2 and then in work for 7…fun times. Saturday was a barbeque with the work crowd and me playing taxi for some lovely people. And Sunday was a long lovely drive with the special woman, pretty good all in all.
Paintballing thursday, hurling training at some point and Bear Grylls camping with a case of Desperados is on the cards for the next few days…should be fun.
*hey guys I’m not joking at all I just thought the little starry thing would confuse them and they won’t read this.