The 5 Different Girls you Meet in Every Nightclub

The 5 Different Girls You Meet

In Nightclubs


Nightclubs…god you gotta love them. A hot, sweaty building reeking of too much perfume and male desperation where the music is almost always awful, you have to wait an hour for a drink and the bouncers are pricks.

Then there’s the girls.

God we all love club girls.

Clubgirl Number 1: The Slut

Natural Habitat: The dancefloor

Length of Skirt: Isn’t that a belt?

Type of dancing: Stripperesque (usually grinding their ass into some lads crotch like their working for tips)

Level of Fake Tan: Did your dad have sex with a Cheeto?

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a dig at sluts. Hell I love sluts, some of my best friends are sluts (use the term “friend” loosely here). All I’m saying is that the girl in the leopard print playsuit rolling her tongue around the straw in her drink is probably going to be easier to get into than Carlow IT.

Usually in a group of friends with equal or slightly less level of sluttiness these girls are the girls that you don’t have to approach, don’t have to talk to and all the communication you need (or want) with them can be narrowed down to a single gesture.

'Av some of that Love

Only in a club for one thing and one thing only (also happens to be the same reason every bloke ever goes to clubs).

Level of Easiness: 10/10

Clubgirl Number 2: The Tease

Natural Habitat: Your lap

Length of Skirt: Almost non-existant

Type of Dancing: Pole

Level of Fake Tan: Michael McIntyre (anyone else noticed much more orange and Chinese looking he’s been lately?)

The tease usually comes in two types.

The first is the tease that dances with other girls, maybe a cheeky snog with other girls and basically puts on a full lesbian display for the amusement of the lads. And God bless these girls. Aside from the fact that these girls are never going to go home with you they’re pretty much awesome…if you like getting chaffing because your jeans seem to have become several sizes too small.

They do all this while keeping a watchful eye on all men around them just to make sure that they have everyone’s full attention. And what do we do men? We watch the fuck out of them.

Attention seekers is all they are and as soon as we stop watching the lesbionic display stops.

The second type is far, far more sinister. We’ve all been there lads. This girl’s been giving you the eye for a while so you make your way over (you big studly tiger you) buy her a drink, maybe chat for a while, heavy flirting. Next thing you know she’s using her ass like a blackboard duster and your crotch is covered in all that dust that just needs to be rubbed off.

She takes you back to the seating area, sits on your lap, few cheeky kisses. All going well so far eh? Wait for it.

Oh what’s that? She suddenly remembers she can’t leave her friends alone (after half an hour of them being without her while she straddled you and gave your tonsils a good old inspection). She wanders off into the club only for you to see her later giving someone else the exact same treatment and you left alone to start the whole process all over again. You will never have sex with this girl. Just stop trying.

Like the professional massage parlour…definitely no happy ending.

Going home alone

Level of Easiness: 0/10

Clubgirl Number 3: The Shy Girl

Natural Habitat: Behind her friends

Length of Skirt: …is that a pair of jeans?

Type of Dancing: Awkward wedding dancer

Level of Fake Tan: Natural Irish

Also known as “the friend of the girl your mate is chatting to” the shy girl is an entirely different kettle of frogs to everything else we’ve encountered so far.

We’ve all been wingmen at some stage or another and our primary job as a wingman is to distract the friend that’s no fun while your mate(s) chat up the far more lively girls. Usually slowly sips one or two drinks for the while night while her mates neck shot after shot.

They're not ALWAYS fat

If plied with enough alcohol “the shy girl” can loosen up and you may even get her to hit the dancefloor…where the awkwardness really begins. While you do your best running man she awkwardly stands there sporadically dancing in short bursts in between saying “I don’t dance, I don’t dance.”

Usually if enough time is spent with them ie. more time than any man is willing to talk to any girl in a nightclub, these girls loosen up and are good fun to be around. Very, very occasionally resulting in a few kisses and exchanging of number (good work studly).

Very rarely sex.

Level of Easiness: 4/10


Clubgirl Number 4: The Alcoholic

Natural Habitat: Holding up the bar

Length of Skirt: Doesn’t matter, usually covered in vomit by the end of the night

Type of Dancing: Drunken stumbling

Level of Fake Tan: It’s all been washed off by spilled vodka, tears and puke

We all know them (most of them seem to live in Coppers) the girl that’s drunker when she arrives than you are when you leave. Barely able to talk, usually either crying, screaming or passed out in a corner covered in her own puke.

Up until they reach the point where horizontal is far easier than vertical these girls are usually great fun. Downing shots of anything and drinking anything that you put in front of them.

She was having soooo much fun

Easy takings if you have no morals or sense of decency at all (as I’m sure most of you don’t). These girls are renowned for shouting loudly, starting fights, peeing on the street, passing out in corners and getting date raped.

Level of Easiness: …totally depends on how your mother raised you


Clubgirl Number 5: The Woo Girls

Natural Habitat: In a giant group of fellow woo girls

Length of Skirt: Usually a hen night or birthday so all sorts

Type of Dancing: With each other/Male Stripper all while screaming (WOOO)

Woo Girls is a phrase I have stolen from the fantastic Mr. Barney Stinson. Woo girls are what happens when any of the above type of girls get together in a group for an event, hen party, birthday, divorce party…anything that women do together.

Like locusts

Woo girls can be a mixture of all the other types of clubgirl, and to keep the society of woo strong there will be at least one member of each group in a woo group.

Instantly recognised by pink cowboy hats and/or bunny ears these girls will destroy anything in their path. From far away they will all look gorgeous due to something known as the cheerleader effect. When you separate one from the herd you’ll discover why woo girls only hunt in packs. Alone they are vulnerable but together they are invincible. Kind of like a drunk, female, much louder version of the 300.

They will dance together, drink together, attack innocent men together and request terrible, terrible music together.

No group of woo girls has ever gone a night without at least one of them getting the baps out for the lads…It just happens.

Level of Easiness: If you can separate them from the herd then they’re usually drunk enough for you to be good looking 7/10

Please note that on any night one girl is capable of being any of the above different types of clubgirl. They can also be all types of clubgirl in one night. And if they are in a group they will all be woo girls.

Beware the WOO 

  1. #1 by Aisling on June 2, 2011 - 9:50 pm

    another *genuinely* awesome post ben. seriously. text me for further truth clarification if you don’t believe me. 🙂

    • #2 by Moving Along on June 3, 2011 - 10:44 am

      Ah I do aim to please. Delira that you like it my love

  2. #3 by Whoever on June 3, 2011 - 8:29 am

    Aisling looks like a #5

  3. #5 by Arsebag on June 3, 2011 - 10:19 am

    You forgot “The complete bitch”

    As common as the rest of the above. Especially in Irish nightclubs. Spends the night in shock trying to figure out why someone thought themselves worthy of approaching them. Will have 5 cats by the age of 30 and wonder why they’re all alone.

    Difficulty: If you can get past the hand in your face….-5/10

    • #6 by Moving Along on June 3, 2011 - 10:43 am

      Haha very good. My list is far from exhausted I feel…might have to update it

  4. #7 by Sarah on May 20, 2012 - 7:00 pm

    Women complain about how unfair it is that men are called studs when they sleep around, yet women get called sluts for the exact same behavior. It’s actually not a double standard though, because both scenarios are pretty different in terms of circumstances and consequences. I can think of at least four crucial differences:

    First, sleeping around is easier for women. Regardless of how you feel about promiscuity, we can all agree that a guy who manages to rack up a lot of sexual partners has to have some skills. It’s challenging for men to rack up partners, even for men with low standards. A man needs social intelligence, interpersonal skills, persistence, thick skin, and plain old dumb luck. For women, though, a vagina and a pulse is often enough. Whenever an accomplishment requires absolutely no challenge, no one respects it. It’s just viewed as a lack of self-discipline. People respect those who accomplish challenging feats, while they consider those who overindulge in easily obtained feats as weak, untrustworthy or flawed.

    Second, women have potential to do more harm by sleeping around than men do. Say a man sleeps around with a bunch of different women. He’s definitely doing harm to these women if he pretends to be monogamous while sleeping around. He may cause them emotional pain by his promiscuity. He may cause unwanted pregnancy. He may spread VD. When women sleep around, however, they can cause not only all these same ill effects but one additional crucial ill effect: the risk of unknown parentage.

    If one guy sleeps around with five women, each of whom is monogamous to him, and they all get pregnant, it’s a safe bet as to who the father is. If you reverse genders and have one woman who sleeps around with five men who are monogamous to her, and she gets pregnant, the father could be any of the five men. And if one of those men is tricked into raising a baby that isn’t his, he’s investing time, money, estate and property to provide for a child that isn’t carrying his DNA into the next generations, a costly mistake from an evolutionary standpoint.

    Our two basic primal drives are to survive and to reproduce, and promiscuous women traditionally make it hard for a man to know for sure whether he is truly reproducing or is secretly raising another man’s child. Men stand a lot more to lose from promiscuous women than the other way around. And it’s no picnic for the child to not know who his real father is either. And it’s a mess for the women carrying on the deception as well. Or just look at any random episode of the Maury show if you don’t believe me.

    Since the DNA test and the birth control pill didn’t exist until recently, there were no reliable ways to prevent pregnancy or prove parentage for most of human history. For this reason society developed a vested interest in preventing promiscuity among women, and society accomplished this by creating the slut stigma. And even though the creation of birth control and DNA tests have made this less of a risk than the past, longstanding traditions and customs are not easy for society to break so the slut stigma remains.

    Third, men have evolutionary reasons to be programmed to sleep around more. A lot of women roll their eyes when they hear that men are “hard-wired” to sleep around. But from an evolutionary standpoint, it makes total sense. If the two primal drives of humans are to survive and to reproduce, nothing leads to maximum reproduction like one man sleeping with multiple women. If one women sleeps with many men in a nine month period, she can only get pregnant just once. Nine months of rampant promiscuity would give the same result as nine months of highly sexed monogamy: one pregnancy. Now if one man sleeps with many women during a nine month period, you can get many pregnancies during that period. The more women he sleeps with, the more possible pregnancies.

    So from an evolutionary standpoint, there are concrete advantages to men being promiscuous compared to women being promiscuous. This doesn’t mean that women have evolved to be strictly monogamous. Women have evolved to be somewhat promiscuous too, something men badly underestimate. However they haven’t evolved to be as rampantly promiscuous as men.
    Fourth, promiscuity poses more risk to women than to men. A woman has more to lose from choosing bad sex partners than a man does. She’s the one who gets stuck with going through a pregnancy and taking care of a baby alone if she chooses a deadbeat. For this reason, promiscuous women throughout history have historically been viewed as being a vastly more irresponsible risk takers than promiscuous men, who rightly or wrongly could always run away from the consequences of unwanted pregnancies easier than women could.

    These four reasons explain why the longstanding tradition came about of men being rewarded for multiple partners while women get socially punished for similar promiscuity. Of course all this is gradually changing, but we’re up against millenia of evolutionary and cultural conditioning here, so don’t expect any dramatic overnight reversals.

    Understand that I’m just explaining why the double standard came into existence and not condoning or condemning it. This is not an attempt to pass judgment or be self-righteous in any way. It’s just an explanation of why the two conditions are treated differently.

    • #8 by Moving Along on May 21, 2012 - 10:35 am

      Well that was a very serious reply to what was supposed to be a lighthearted and humorous article…That wasn’t much fun to read

      • #9 by Dorian on December 3, 2012 - 9:25 pm

        I liked the original article, very amusing. The last reply was brilliant evolutionary psychology, whilst not a laugh a minute, very true

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