Archive for June, 2011
The 5 Different Girls You Meet
Nightclubs…god you gotta love them. A hot, sweaty building reeking of too much perfume and male desperation where the music is almost always awful, you have to wait an hour for a drink and the bouncers are pricks.
Then there’s the girls.
God we all love club girls.
Clubgirl Number 1: The Slut
Natural Habitat: The dancefloor
Length of Skirt: Isn’t that a belt?
Type of dancing: Stripperesque (usually grinding their ass into some lads crotch like their working for tips)
Level of Fake Tan: Did your dad have sex with a Cheeto?
Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a dig at sluts. Hell I love sluts, some of my best friends are sluts (use the term “friend” loosely here). All I’m saying is that the girl in the leopard print playsuit rolling her tongue around the straw in her drink is probably going to be easier to get into than Carlow IT.
Usually in a group of friends with equal or slightly less level of sluttiness these girls are the girls that you don’t have to approach, don’t have to talk to and all the communication you need (or want) with them can be narrowed down to a single gesture.
Only in a club for one thing and one thing only (also happens to be the same reason every bloke ever goes to clubs).
Level of Easiness: 10/10
Clubgirl Number 2: The Tease
Natural Habitat: Your lap
Length of Skirt: Almost non-existant
Type of Dancing: Pole
Level of Fake Tan: Michael McIntyre (anyone else noticed much more orange and Chinese looking he’s been lately?)
The tease usually comes in two types.
The first is the tease that dances with other girls, maybe a cheeky snog with other girls and basically puts on a full lesbian display for the amusement of the lads. And God bless these girls. Aside from the fact that these girls are never going to go home with you they’re pretty much awesome…if you like getting chaffing because your jeans seem to have become several sizes too small.
They do all this while keeping a watchful eye on all men around them just to make sure that they have everyone’s full attention. And what do we do men? We watch the fuck out of them.
Attention seekers is all they are and as soon as we stop watching the lesbionic display stops.
The second type is far, far more sinister. We’ve all been there lads. This girl’s been giving you the eye for a while so you make your way over (you big studly tiger you) buy her a drink, maybe chat for a while, heavy flirting. Next thing you know she’s using her ass like a blackboard duster and your crotch is covered in all that dust that just needs to be rubbed off.
She takes you back to the seating area, sits on your lap, few cheeky kisses. All going well so far eh? Wait for it.
Oh what’s that? She suddenly remembers she can’t leave her friends alone (after half an hour of them being without her while she straddled you and gave your tonsils a good old inspection). She wanders off into the club only for you to see her later giving someone else the exact same treatment and you left alone to start the whole process all over again. You will never have sex with this girl. Just stop trying.
Like the professional massage parlour…definitely no happy ending.
Level of Easiness: 0/10
Clubgirl Number 3: The Shy Girl
Natural Habitat: Behind her friends
Length of Skirt: …is that a pair of jeans?
Type of Dancing: Awkward wedding dancer
Level of Fake Tan: Natural Irish
Also known as “the friend of the girl your mate is chatting to” the shy girl is an entirely different kettle of frogs to everything else we’ve encountered so far.
We’ve all been wingmen at some stage or another and our primary job as a wingman is to distract the friend that’s no fun while your mate(s) chat up the far more lively girls. Usually slowly sips one or two drinks for the while night while her mates neck shot after shot.
If plied with enough alcohol “the shy girl” can loosen up and you may even get her to hit the dancefloor…where the awkwardness really begins. While you do your best running man she awkwardly stands there sporadically dancing in short bursts in between saying “I don’t dance, I don’t dance.”
Usually if enough time is spent with them ie. more time than any man is willing to talk to any girl in a nightclub, these girls loosen up and are good fun to be around. Very, very occasionally resulting in a few kisses and exchanging of number (good work studly).
Very rarely sex.
Level of Easiness: 4/10
Clubgirl Number 4: The Alcoholic
Natural Habitat: Holding up the bar
Length of Skirt: Doesn’t matter, usually covered in vomit by the end of the night
Type of Dancing: Drunken stumbling
Level of Fake Tan: It’s all been washed off by spilled vodka, tears and puke
We all know them (most of them seem to live in Coppers) the girl that’s drunker when she arrives than you are when you leave. Barely able to talk, usually either crying, screaming or passed out in a corner covered in her own puke.
Up until they reach the point where horizontal is far easier than vertical these girls are usually great fun. Downing shots of anything and drinking anything that you put in front of them.
Easy takings if you have no morals or sense of decency at all (as I’m sure most of you don’t). These girls are renowned for shouting loudly, starting fights, peeing on the street, passing out in corners and getting date raped.
Level of Easiness: …totally depends on how your mother raised you
Clubgirl Number 5: The Woo Girls
Natural Habitat: In a giant group of fellow woo girls
Length of Skirt: Usually a hen night or birthday so all sorts
Type of Dancing: With each other/Male Stripper all while screaming (WOOO)
Woo Girls is a phrase I have stolen from the fantastic Mr. Barney Stinson. Woo girls are what happens when any of the above type of girls get together in a group for an event, hen party, birthday, divorce party…anything that women do together.
Woo girls can be a mixture of all the other types of clubgirl, and to keep the society of woo strong there will be at least one member of each group in a woo group.
Instantly recognised by pink cowboy hats and/or bunny ears these girls will destroy anything in their path. From far away they will all look gorgeous due to something known as the cheerleader effect. When you separate one from the herd you’ll discover why woo girls only hunt in packs. Alone they are vulnerable but together they are invincible. Kind of like a drunk, female, much louder version of the 300.
They will dance together, drink together, attack innocent men together and request terrible, terrible music together.
No group of woo girls has ever gone a night without at least one of them getting the baps out for the lads…It just happens.
Level of Easiness: If you can separate them from the herd then they’re usually drunk enough for you to be good looking 7/10
Please note that on any night one girl is capable of being any of the above different types of clubgirl. They can also be all types of clubgirl in one night. And if they are in a group they will all be woo girls.
Beware the WOO