3 things that society didn’t tell you would happen when you left college

1.  Your soul will be destroyed.Unless you’re one of the few that get to do something you love for a living (like boob inspector or couch tester) you might have an office job doing stuff that you neither care about nor have any desire to do.This job will basically suck every ounce of motivation that you have out of you and leave you to be a hollow shell of broken dreams and misguided optimism.

Says it all really

Why this is a shock?

Do you remember secondary school? Or even college? Basically you were always told (well I was) that when you make it to the “real world” that you’ll be whatever you want to be. And that life will be awesome.

Remember meetings with your guidance counsellor? “You can do anything you want” was their mantra. Yeah…thanks for that, because filing away invoices that nobody cares about is what I always wanted to do when we were playing “grown ups” as a kid.

The boring monotony of everybody pretending that this is really important is what always drove me to get up in the morning (this last sentence may or may not be dripping with sarcasm…hint: it is)

2.  What you studied in college (unless it’s a professional course) will mean nothing.

Unless you studied to be a doctor or a lawyer or something that people actually need to be qualified for then your degree is pretty much useless. I have a very nice degree in Journalism and a Masters in Radio and Television production. All in all four pretty expensive years in college.

Wanna know everything I learned aside from how to do jaegerbombs like a pro and learning which girls can be trusted to take contraception?

I will bomb all your Jaeger but I will be strapping up

Just click here to find out all you need to know.

That’s it. That three page PDF just taught you everything I learned from lectures apart from how to sleep until midday, wake up, get some food, then decide not to go to your lecture and go to the pub instead. Which, in all honesty, is a harder skill than I make it sound.

And then when I eventually got a job (in a field completely unrelated to anything I studied) I found out that the people that are getting paid significantly more than I was were people that had never been to college…something about that just doesn’t seem fair (in case you haven’t guessed I don’t do PR for any universities)

Why this is a shock?

When I was in college I was told that I was being trained to become a fully functioning member of society. A person that could exist within a working environment.

In reality what I was being taught was how to be awesome at being in college, which unless you plan on doing a PhD and becoming a lecturer, isn’t going to help you in a job. In a job there aren’t people constantly reminding you that that assignment is due tomorrow. You don’t get grades back on things, your bosses just call you an incompetent moron behind your back. Or in my case “my god that guy’s some sort of filing genius, an Einstein of the filing world.”

College helps you be good at being in college, working makes you good at work. Reference the jaegerbombs mentioned previously. And little did I know that being able to down a Captain America’s pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea would be of little to no use to me in an office. Also, that sleeping until Maury was on tv is perhaps the least helpful thing for my career I have ever done (shock horror: you are the baby daddy but she’s still a slut.)

3.  Algebra does not help you

Now I don’t mean to brag but when I was in school I was amazing at Maths. So I was sure that my place as “King of the Nerds” would help me achieve a similar standing in the workplace…boy was I wrong.

Ever had to solve a differential equation since you left school? Obviously if you’re a mathematician or physicist this doesn’t apply to you but if you are a mathematician or physicist why are you reading anything that I’m writing? Was it the Einstein reference in the previous section that lead you here?

Basically no matter how good you are at something in school, unless that something is directly related to what you’re working in it will be of no use to you.

Take me for example. Figuring out how the area of a circle expands as the circumference gets bigger isn’t going to help me write better boob jokes on the internet…

Why this is a shock?

Ever get told by your maths teacher that Algebra will help you? Well now’s the time to go postal and show up at their door to bludgeon them with “Texts and Tests 4.” Likewise I have yet to find myself in a social or professional situation in Ireland where being able to name all the presidents involved in the Vietnam War was able to help me.

Besides I don’t NEED to know any of this stuff…google exists for a reason. With smart phones there is literally no question that cannot be answered in minutes, rendering all education a farce.

...way to ruin Pink Floyd

Well there we have it. Why everything you have ever been told has been a God damn lie. Surely this ranks up there with finding out that Santa is really just your Uncle in a fake beard and discovering that unless you plan on cutting those boobs open, Boob inspector isn’t a real job…I had a lot of plans hanging on that one.

  1. #1 by Liam on May 31, 2011 - 1:28 am

    naming the presidents in the Viet Nam war once won me a jug of beer. that is all.

  2. #2 by Aisling on May 31, 2011 - 11:34 am

    While that is a *shockingly* well written and humorous post BEMMM, I must point out a few things:

    While we were in college, you NEVER (apart from maybe 2 occasions) went to the pub instead of lectures. You, my friend, FLED back to rockin’ Celbridge and ditched the DCU contingent.

    In our entire 3 years in DCU, you NEVER downed ANYTHING resembling Jaeger. You downed some McDonalds in the car with me, hogie and sue, but the ONE night you did show up to something, you werent drinking! (my 21st)

    Much love. Your BCF.*

  3. #3 by runningawayquickly on June 22, 2011 - 6:29 pm

    Fuck. I really never want to leave college now!

    • #4 by Moving Along on June 22, 2011 - 10:10 pm

      My advice? Don’t leave, do a phd and become a lecturer

      • #5 by runningawayquickly on June 22, 2011 - 10:17 pm

        That actually seems like a good idea. Also, I’m studying journalism and it’s a bit depressing to see that PDF – it does seem to sum up the course! For the time being I’m content with (unsuccessfully) trying to drink jaegerbombs. I’ll get there dammit!

      • #6 by Moving Along on June 25, 2011 - 10:45 am

        Yup, I nearly died when I read that PDF. I don’t want to put you off though, it is supposed to be a light hearted article. Seriously, take none of what I say seriously.

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