6 nations preview.

The 6 nations is back this weekend and back with a major Bang!

Before the last round of games the Ireland vs Wales game was tipped to be the title decider. Unfortunately (for the Welsh amongst us) that didn’t seem to be the case.

Three pretty big games this weekend will change the shape of the whole tournament. Wales vs France, England vs Ireland and Scotland vs Italy will all impact the tournament in major ways.

Wales vs France

Wales will be looking to bounce back against France after a disappointing couple of games to start the tournament. Gatland, true to form, has stayed with the majority of the team, the only casualty from the Irish demolition job being Mike Phillips. Luke Charteris returns after a hamstring injury and should solidify the Welsh lineout (at 6ft 11 if he can’t there’s something wrong). The back row, which in my opinion needed to be changed, remains the same. Sam Warburton again captains the team despite his shocking record as captain. In my opinion Justin Tipuric must be the unluckiest player in the world, he’s in form, he’s one of the best opensides in the Northern Hemisphere but he’s unlucky that Gatland (stubborn as he is) has pinned his flag to the mast by making Warburton his captain.

I have to mention the bench too where James Hook must be close to breaking point with impatience. The inclusion of Dan Biggar alongside him (who can only play outside half) basically means that he will not be used at 10 and is on the bench only because he has the ability to cover every position in the backline.

France, on the other hand look more settled and are playing better rugby than since they won the grandslam in 2010. They’ve got a nice blend of hard edge up front and flair in the backline. Outhalf remains the major bone of contention in the team with Saint Andre seemingly unable to decide who to pick. They’ve looked good so far this tournament, with a last minute win over England and a comprehensive win over Italy. But they’re French, and as such there is always going to be questions over their ability to show up and perform away from home.

There’s going to be some big match ups in this game. George North vs Bastareaud in the centre, the scrum is going to be massive and the battle of the back threes will be something special. If France can keep their discipline and not allow Wales any go forward ball then I can see a French win. However, in Cardiff on a Friday night with 80,000 daffodil wearing mad taffs screaming hyms and arias I can see Wales making a proper fight of it. I think this will go to the wire with the Cardiff factor seeing Wales win by 2-3 points.

England vs Ireland.

This is my match of the weekend. I think this is going to be a war. I don’t expect anything too flash from either team but it will be intense, gripping, a battle. From Ireland’s point of view they have to win to keep up the chance of a grand slam, England have to win to hold to a chance to win the tournament.

Unlike that homophobic dinosaur, Neil Francis (if you haven’t read what this stone age cretin had to say about gay people playing sport you should go check it out here) I don’t think Ireland will “smash” England’s scrum at all. Yeah they’re missing Dan Cole but Wilson is by no means a bad scrummager and was seriously impressive when he played for England in Argentina last summer.

The English pack is settled, dominant and powerful. Vuinipola at number 8 has added the hard carrying edge that they’ve lacked in recent years. Their lineout is strong and they won’t get steam rolled like the Welsh pack did. I expect England to play alot up front. They’re not an expansive exciting team (they never will be with Farrell at 10 and Twelvetrees at 12) but they’re direct, physical and intense. Mike Brown at full back has been awesome so far this tournament and while they may not play the most rugby they’re very difficult to beat…expecially at Twickenham.

Ireland under Joe Schmidt have been more than impressive. They’ve played differently every game and that makes them a very hard team to beat. They can play the tight, physically dominant game (see the Wales game), they can play intense and expansive (see the New Zealand game), without doubt Schmidt will have done his homework and will have a game plan to beat England. O’Driscoll’s thirteenth and final test against England should provide some extra fireworks.

Again this is going to be a very, very close game. I’d love to say Ireland will win and I will say Ireland will win. But it’s going to be their toughest test yet this tournament.

And finally we have the wooden spoon decider…again. Scotland and Italy.

After an impressive start against Wales Italy were poor against France. I can just never see where they’re going to win games. They have a great (although aging slightly) pack but there’s just nothing outside of them to get excited about. A flaky (at best) half back pairing, unremarkable centres and a blunt attacking back three. Outside of the driving maul, pick and drives and scrum I just don’t see much of a threat from the Italians. Parisse is outstanding, has been for years, and carries the team.

Scotland…well…I don’t know where to start. It seems like every season before the 6 nations there’s an optimism around Scottish rugby that always fails to deliver. Terrible discipline, poor skills and a lack of cohesion. After their performance against England there were actually calls for them to be dropped out of the 6 nations.

Their pack for a few seasons was physical, they were defensively solid and had great discipline (think back to that win against Australia in the hurricane). But recently they’ve just gone backwards (if that was possible), there’s so much passion, and desperation to play well that it’s sad to see how bad they are. Vern Cotter must be regretting agreeing to take that job.

This game might actually be entertaining. Two bad teams playing against each other, desperate for the win might provide some entertainment. I think Italy might actually sneak this one.

So there we have it. Wales, Ireland and Italy (maybe) to win.

Anybody agree or disagree?

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A Welsh post mortem and Irish celebration.

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There’s an old cliché used in sport, ‘you don’t become a bad team overnight,’ but there’s another which says ‘You’re only as good as your last game.’ Let’s hope for Wales’ sake at least that they’re far better than what happened on Saturday in the Aviva.

Warren Gatland described it as the “worst performance since I’ve been involved,” and dear God is he right. Wales were completely outplayed in every facet of the game. I don’t remember a Wales team being outplayed and beaten so comprehensively since 2007.

So what happened? Well to put it simply, Wales were completely stuffed up front. I thought Wales would edge the tight five battle, I was wrong. I thought the Welsh back row would at least gain parity, wrong again. I thought Wales would crash over the gainline…can you see a pattern developing here?

A shoddy lineout, terrible discipline, inability to defend a maul and a bad kicking game were ultimately what defeated Wales. While Wales kicked long and tried to defend, Ireland kicked high and pressured the catcher, or kicked to touch and put huge pressure on the shaky Welsh lineout.

While Wales were unable to put any phases of play together, Ireland were outstanding (while still not stringing many phases together themselves). They dominated absolutely every facet of the game. Pragmatic and clinical, they nullified Wales’ power game by simply not letting them put any phases together, O’Mahony and Henry were magnificent at the breakdown and Jonny Sexton’s kicking game was fantastic.

Alot of credit has to go to Joe Schmidt for putting a game plan in place that would do what no other northern hemisphere team has been able to do since Gatland took over, and that is not allow Wales any momentum at all.

Wales gave away 15 penalties, Ireland gave away 9 and crucially only allowed Leigh Halfpenny one kick at goal all game. And the only chance Wales did have to score a try they blew their load too early and got penalised for a double movement.

The single biggest factor though was the driving lineout. Ireland had previously shown glimpses of being good at this but haven’t dominated a game with it like this before. 20 of Ireland’s points came either directly or indirectly from the maul. The Irish game plan was executed perfectly.

So why were Wales so bad? Well for one Ireland didn’t allow them to play. Wales missed 16 out of 101 tackles (I would not like to be in the room when Shaun Edwards reveals that little stat). While they only lost 2 lineouts (a completion of 87%) the lineouts they did win were to the front and scrappy, not ideal for launching big runners into the midfield.

Wales also suffered (in my opinion) by playing two players who have played barely any rugby this season. Sam Warburton hasn’t played a match since the Autumn internationals against Australia and international rugby is not the place to gain match fitness. There’s no need to play him when someone of Justin Tipuric’s calibre sits on the bench. Gethin Jenkins, similarly has barely played any rugby this year. Also, why, when Priestland was clearly having a shocker and the Welsh team could have used an infusion of spark, was James Hook left on the bench? Again Wales suffered from having no Plan B. Although it’s very rare that Plan A isn’t effective.

Ireland on the other hand missed 9 of 131 tackles, won 94% of their lineout, stole 2 of wales’ lineouts cleanly and won 10 turnovers.

Wales actually made more passes and carries but they were all ineffective and gained no quick ball. Ireland continued where they left of against New Zealand and were clinical, effective and brutally physical at the breakdown, have I mentioned how incredible Peter O’Mahony was?

They took their points when they were afforded to them and closed out the game with a professionalism and effectiveness that I haven’t seen from any Ireland team in a long, long time. Everybody thought Shcmidt was going to mould Ireland into an international version of Leinster where they played in the wide channels with tempo and a multi phase game. I guess on that count everybody was wrong.

I’d expect Ireland to now go on and finish either top, or in second place. While I think Wales will do well to finish third unless they can seriously up their game.  

Everybody thought that the poor Welsh performance against Italy was beginning of the tournament rustiness, doesn’t look that way now. Maybe teams have figured out how to beat Warrenball? And it’s not by playing flowing, fancy, attacking rugby. It’s by being aggressive, nullifying any position and an accurate kicking game and amazing discipline. Not very attractive, but very effective. Ireland showed this, let’s just hope that nobody shows anybody French or English the game tape. 

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Wales vs Ireland. A preview

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Rules for reading this.

  • Every time Brian O’Driscoll is referred to as a legend, drink.
  • Anytime I allude to Warren Gatland vs Brian O’Driscoll, drink.
  • Any time I’m unfairly biased, go fuck yourself.

I get more nervous before Wales vs Ireland 6 nations games than any other time of the year. Being Welsh and having grown up in Ireland I’m going to get a lot of abuse no matter who wins. However, I’m going to pin my colours to the mast now and say I want (crave) a Wales win and I always will. I’m sorry that’s how it is.

For once I thought I’d do something other than just make dick jokes in my writing and actually write about something I (somewhat) know about. Rugby. So here goes, the first piece I’ve ever written about rugby.

Wales vs Ireland games have never been the most friendly of games. The two have been the most successful home nations teams in the last 10 years, with both sharing the lion’s spoils of representatives on the last two British and Irish Lions’ tours, as well as both tour captains coming from either Wales or Ireland (Paul O’Connell in South Africa and Sam Warburton in Australia.)  So, on paper at least, this should be a fairly passionate, intense, hate filled game of rugby.

So how do the teams match up?

On paper I’d argue that Wales are the stronger team, I think there’s less obvious weaknesses in the Welsh team than there is in the Irish team. But, (and it’s a big but) both teams seem to up their games when they face each other. The Irish will have the added inspiration of Brian O’Driscoll trying to prove a few things in his last season of professional rugby. Both sides have the look of a settled team, with combinations all over the park that have played a lot of high level rugby together. Also, these teams know each other inside out, playing against each other in the Rabo, Heineken Cup and the majority of the players played together on the Lions’ tour this past summer.

I think Wales shade it slightly in the tight five, Mike Ross doesn’t compare to Adam Jones and Devin Toner continues to be a 6’10 waste of international rugby space. However, Adam Jones hasn’t adapted well to the changes in the scrum law and Gethin Jenkins has played the same amount of international rugby in the last 9 months as me (ie. None but Warren Gatland gets a hard-on every time he says his name).  Hibbard is always good for some big hits and carries (and his hair is glorious) while there are still questions about his lineout throwing. Rory Best, while less of a carrier and tackler makes up for it by being a better thrower of the ball, woeful Lions’ tour aside. Alun Wyn Jones and Paul O’Connell are pretty much the same player and Andrew Coombs from the Dragons in the Welsh second row is a hard grafter but not as useful at line out time as Devin Toner.

In the back row I actually think Ireland edge it slightly after last week’s performance against Scotland. Heaslip was in better form than he has been in years (unsurprisingly because O’Brien wasn’t playing and the two of them do not play well together), Chris Henry was fantastic and dogged as ever and Peter O’Mahony was my man of the match, winning numerous turnovers and being a gigantic pain in Scottish asses (as any good 6 should be). Wales, with the return of Sam Warburton are fielding Gatland’s wet dream of a back row. Warburton at seven is one of the best turnover winners in the modern game (Clive Woodward said his second test performance for the Lions’ was the best performance he’d ever seen by a lion), Dan Lydiate will chop tackle everything that moves into submission, while offering little in attack and Taulupe (Toby) Faletau does everything that a top quality number 8 should do, quietly and efficiently.

Half backs is where I surprised myself when I thought about it. At the moment the Irish half backs are definitely superior (sorry Dad). Conor Murray along with Danny Care, (I hate myself for saying that) are the form scrum halves in Europe at the moment, while Mike Phillips has struggled for form since the Lions’ tour, you could argue he was struggling for form before the Lions’ tour too. Murray has come on leaps and bounds in the last season or so, his box kicking is outstanding and he controls his pack of forwards very well. Teams seem to have figured out Phillips. He’s made less line breaks in the last year than ever before and he seems indecisive. While he will always be competitive and rise to the big occasion I feel like Murray is going to come out on top of this battle. Welsh attack coach, Rob Howley, has come out and said Phillips needs to focus on his own game instead of his battle with Murray, which doesn’t instill confidence in me.

At out-half Ireland get the nod too. Sexton is in great form, Priestland, on the other hand is struggling to find consistency and there have been cries from Welsh fans that Dan Biggar or even James Hook should be wearing the 10 jersey. Sexton’s kicking game pressurizes the opposition in a way that Priestland just can’t match, both out halves like a run too so I’d expect some fireworks and fancy footwork from this area. However, an out half is only as good as the centres outside him and Roberts always plays better with Priestland taking the ball flat and bringing him on to it than Biggar, who sits deeper or Hook who is difficult to read (and that’s why Gatland doesn’t pick him.)

In the centres I think it’s pretty evenly match. Roberts looked to have gained some form again against Italy and D’Arcy has been in great form this season (and has a fantastic beard). Scott Williams for Wales has a knack of scoring tries but he’s up against O’Driscoll, and while he may have lost a yard or two of pace and is less influential in attack, he is still one of the (if not the) best defensive 13’s in world rugby. He will also have a point to prove after being dropped by Gatland in the summer (drink). And with it being the last time he faces Wales I’m sure he’ll lift his game. I’m not going to say any more on the O’Driscoll vs Gatland issue because it’s been done to death and I’m bored of it, I’m also not going to call him a legend or iconic because that just goes without saying (drink).

The back three is the only area of the pitch that I see Wales having an obvious advantage. Alex Cuthbert is one of the most predatory finishers in world rugby despite having his defensive deficiencies. George North is probably the best winger in the world at the moment and has had uncountable articles devoted to his scintillating form this season. He just seems to get better and better. And Leigh Halfpenny…well there’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said a thousand times, the most solid full back in the world and a kicking game that is second to none. The Irish back three will have their work cut out for them. I don’t rate Dave Kearney, I think he’s a poor imitation of his big brother, Trimble can be an exciting runner but we haven’t seen enough of that lately. Kearney is in great form and his aerial battle with Leigh Halfpenny will be one of the highlights of the game for me.

The benches are going to have a huge impact on this game, bigger than most people give credit to. In this I think Wales edge it. Cronin will come on and make an impact. The two young props Ireland have on the bench are very good players but they need a few years to develop yet. I don’t expect Dan Tuohy to feature but if he does he will do a job, I was fairly impressed with him last week against Scotland. Tommy O’Donnell has been outstanding this season and is probably Ireland’s only out an out openside flanker. Boss and Jackson don’t impress me and McFadden will always be distinctly average at international level.

The Welsh bench has similar issues, Paul James will come on ad scrummage the game into submission, Rhodri Jones is very young at tight head but did a good job in the Autumn in the absence of Adam Jones. Ken Owens has won almost all of his caps from the bench and has never let anybody down. Jake Ball is raw and robust and if he comes on will win his first cap. Justin Tipuric could be the player to come on and change the game, he’s been outstanding and is very unlucky not to be starting. Rhys Webb and James Hook could have a huge impact in the lifting the pace of the game from the bench and Liam Williams will probably fight anybody that comes near him (think Peter O’Mahony on the wing).

After going through it I’m still no closer to deciding who I think is going to win. My heart says Wales but the head says “Let me go back to sleep.” So I’m going with a Welsh win by 4-7 points (go fuck yourself).

Schmidt’s first game in charge against his fellow kiwi, Gatland, is going to be very interesting. Ireland will know what to expect from Wales. Warrenball is not known for its free flowing style and exuberance but is extremely, direct, physical and effective. Ireland under Schmidt will be something of an unknown entity, you can’t read too much into last week’s games as both oppositions were fairly poor, even though Italy nearly gave Wales a serious scare.

Whatever happens expect some fireworks after the hour long build up with 17 anthems and a leprechaun shaking everybody’s hand. Also, watch out for Michael D talk to DevinToner, funniest thing I think I’ve ever seen.

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5 Facebook crimes and their punishments

I’m addicted to facebook, I will openly admit that I have a problem. Not a single hour passes that I don’t check my notifications and have a quick flick through my news feed. It’s gotten so bad that on more than one occasion I’ve been online on my laptop and I’ve opened my phone to check my facebook…it’s not even a conscious decision I make any more. It just happens. And that doesn’t concern in the slightest.

Being on facebook all the time I’ve noticed some pretty…irritating things (I really don’t mean irritating, I mean frustrating to the point where I want to turn most of my friends list into a list of people that if I meet in public I’d want to throw faeces at, not even my faeces. That’s how annoying they are, I’d be willing to throw other people’s shit at them).

There are too many things to mention that annoy me so I’m going to focus on the ones that make me particularly shit slinging crazy.

 Facebook Crime no.1

The Facebook crime: 1,000,000 “likes” to save this baby’s life

These photos really boil my piss (that’s a thing right? Boiling piss?). Usually a photo of a dying baby/puppy/someone with no shoes and the equally annoying, “1,000,000 likes and this baby will get a life saving operation.”

What I find hilarious about these posts is imaging a back alley surgeon with some ridiculous sexual innuendo name in scrubs and a face mask, latex gloves on all watching their facebook notifications.

How that conversation would go.

Baby’s mother: Please doctor, save my baby he doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.

Nurse: She’s right doctor Goodloving his vitals are dropping.

Doctor Goodloving: I can’t goddamit! I just can’t! I’ve only got 999,999 “likes”. Until someone else likes “this” photo there’s no way I can even attempt to save this childs life…it’s in facebook’s hands now.

What annoys me is that some people genuinely seem to believe that sharing these photos will save a child’s life. For one thing when you share a photo the likes you get on that wouldn’t even count towards the likes on the original post, how would they even keep track of it all? Because really, that’s the most unrealistic thing about this.

The Facebook Punishment: Their feed should be inundated with a constant stream of pictures of mistreated animals and when they don’t get the amount of likes they need they should then be sent a photo of that animal being drowned.

 Facebook Crime no.2

The Facebook Crime: taking a “selfie” in a nightclub bathroom.

Facebook is a popularity competition. There is no question about that. It’s not a way to keep in touch with people. It’s way for people who are desperate for attention to scream “LOOK AT ME!!” without running up to random people street on the street and shoving a photo album of themselves into their face…maybe that’s why it’s called facebook??

Anyway, apart from being some usually good creeping material, bathroom selfies are awful. The entire concept of it confuses me…why would you take a picture of yourself in the bathroom? You know that behind them stall doors in the background there’s somebody literally shitting themselves right? Duck faces are in abundance in these photos (or ironic duckfaces, which in a way are even more annoying.)

The conversation where it all began

Annoying d4 girl with massive hair number 1: Hey girls, I think we should like totally take some like pictures of like ourselves in the bathroom.

Annoying d4 girl number with massive hair 2: Like why the fock would we do that?

Annoying d4 girl with massive hair number 1: Because like, we look so focking hot in that mirror.

Annoying d4 girl with massive hair number 2: Oh my god yeah like totes, it isn’t creepy that people are doing lines of coke and having a piss in the stalls behind us at all.

Bathroom attendant: Kill me now.

Surely there are plenty of better places to take photos of yourself? Literally anywhere? Beside a dumpster, in a gutter, in a crackden…anywhere! Or…a better idea, actually have a good time instead of spending the whole night taking pics and pretending to the world that you’re not actually dead inside.

The Facebook punishment: Everytime they go to the bathroom have a photo of them instantly uploaded to their news feeds and sent to all their loved ones…get a look at what’s going on behind the stall doors.

Facebook Crime no.3

The Facebook crime: Vague, passive-aggressive status updates.

“Some people just need to keep their nose out of my business and leave me alone ugh.”

If I need to explain why these posts are annoying then you should leave my blog right now because I never, ever want you to read anything I ever write again. Why post a status about one person, without mentioning that one person, when there’s a chance that said person might never even see the post?

But worse than the actual post are the comments underneath it.

“hope you’re ok hun, keep the chin up xx”

Go shoot yourself.

Or when someone asks what’s wrong and the reply is “don’t want to talk about it.” Oh really? You don’t want to talk about it? Then how about not actually talking about it? I get that you might want to vent. I get that you might be upset. What I don’t get is why tell all everybody you’ve ever met about it? Shockingly enough ( I know from my own experience) nobody actually cares.

The Facebook punishment: They should be fraped and have the settings on their account changed so that nobody can see their posts and slowly go insane while they wonder why nobody likes their posts any more.

Facebook Crime no.4

The Facebook crime: Having a conversation on a post with someone that isn’t the poster about a topic completely unrelated to the post.

Picture this. You’ve just posted a status that you think is hilarious (of course you do, everything you post is hilarious, you hilarious facebooker you.)  A post that you feel will get you a solid amount of likes, I’m talking 30, maybe 40 likes here. Nothing sensational like when you announce you’re sexual organs work and you’re going to have a baby (more on that in a minute) but more like a funny and original joke that people will get.

You get a few likes, a few “lolz” are commented, it’s going well. Then somebody comments “haha you’re so funny Ben, you’re the sexiest person ever, come here and impregnate me immediately,” (that may or may not have been an actual comment on a status of mine) the next comment is a reply to that comment from someone else. And just like that, your post is dead. Nobody will comment on it any more because they don’t want to interrupt the completely irrelevant conversation that these two people are having on your post.

Like I said earlier, facebook is a popularity contest and just as you’re about to score big with a status and propel your way in facebook stardom with a post that people will remember forever, the post now becomes remembered as that conversation between that guy you met once on holidays and some douchebag from primary school.

The Facebook Punishment: Everytime these people ever say anything online or in real life, just start a completely irrelevant conversation with somebody else. Talk to yourself if you have to. This crime cannot continue to go unpunished.

Facebook Crime no.5

The Facebook Crime: Oversharing your baby stuff.

I’m not having a go at people that have babies here. Hell I’m all for reproduction if that’s your thing, you sexy, genital bashing breeder you. And I don’t hate babies. All in all, congratulations that your genitals work and you did something that people have been successfully doing without social media for thousands of years. No really, top drawer stuff out of you.

And what annoys me about this isn’t the occasional photo of your kids on special occasions like birthdays, weddings, christenings, circumcisions. What annoys me is when every single second, of every single day, these kids are being put on social media sites. Or more importantly, are clogging my goddamn newsfeed. My newsfeed is for Interesting things, not your baby.

I don’t care that your toddler is teething, I don’t care that he spilled spaghetti on the clean white top his grandmother just gave him. I don’t mean to belittle you here, but your child is not the first kid to ever successfully walk. These moment are special…to you. These are the photos that you should have yourself and share with family and close friends. Not that guy that you once met on a night out in coppers and you let him play feed the pony on the dancefloor. That’s just inappropriate.

The mothers that post these are usually listed as a “full time mammy.” But hey, full time mammy, your kid’s going to grow up and then instead of just having embarrassing photos of him to show to future girlfriends and for mates to slag at a house party now the whole world has seen them. And I’m sure that when he’s older he’ll be just delighted that uploaded 23 photos of him getting bathed in the sink.

The Facebook punishment: We don’t need to punish them. Their teenage children will punish them enough when they realise that their life has been documented online for anyone to see like a really boring Truman show.

 

For more hilarious observations on life you can follow Ben on twitter @manbearfridge

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The 5 Different Girls you Meet in Every Nightclub

The 5 Different Girls You Meet

In Nightclubs

 

Nightclubs…god you gotta love them. A hot, sweaty building reeking of too much perfume and male desperation where the music is almost always awful, you have to wait an hour for a drink and the bouncers are pricks.

Then there’s the girls.

God we all love club girls.

Clubgirl Number 1: The Slut

Natural Habitat: The dancefloor

Length of Skirt: Isn’t that a belt?

Type of dancing: Stripperesque (usually grinding their ass into some lads crotch like their working for tips)

Level of Fake Tan: Did your dad have sex with a Cheeto?

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a dig at sluts. Hell I love sluts, some of my best friends are sluts (use the term “friend” loosely here). All I’m saying is that the girl in the leopard print playsuit rolling her tongue around the straw in her drink is probably going to be easier to get into than Carlow IT.

Usually in a group of friends with equal or slightly less level of sluttiness these girls are the girls that you don’t have to approach, don’t have to talk to and all the communication you need (or want) with them can be narrowed down to a single gesture.

'Av some of that Love

Only in a club for one thing and one thing only (also happens to be the same reason every bloke ever goes to clubs).

Level of Easiness: 10/10

Clubgirl Number 2: The Tease

Natural Habitat: Your lap

Length of Skirt: Almost non-existant

Type of Dancing: Pole

Level of Fake Tan: Michael McIntyre (anyone else noticed much more orange and Chinese looking he’s been lately?)

The tease usually comes in two types.

The first is the tease that dances with other girls, maybe a cheeky snog with other girls and basically puts on a full lesbian display for the amusement of the lads. And God bless these girls. Aside from the fact that these girls are never going to go home with you they’re pretty much awesome…if you like getting chaffing because your jeans seem to have become several sizes too small.

They do all this while keeping a watchful eye on all men around them just to make sure that they have everyone’s full attention. And what do we do men? We watch the fuck out of them.

Attention seekers is all they are and as soon as we stop watching the lesbionic display stops.

The second type is far, far more sinister. We’ve all been there lads. This girl’s been giving you the eye for a while so you make your way over (you big studly tiger you) buy her a drink, maybe chat for a while, heavy flirting. Next thing you know she’s using her ass like a blackboard duster and your crotch is covered in all that dust that just needs to be rubbed off.

She takes you back to the seating area, sits on your lap, few cheeky kisses. All going well so far eh? Wait for it.

Oh what’s that? She suddenly remembers she can’t leave her friends alone (after half an hour of them being without her while she straddled you and gave your tonsils a good old inspection). She wanders off into the club only for you to see her later giving someone else the exact same treatment and you left alone to start the whole process all over again. You will never have sex with this girl. Just stop trying.

Like the professional massage parlour…definitely no happy ending.

Going home alone

Level of Easiness: 0/10

Clubgirl Number 3: The Shy Girl

Natural Habitat: Behind her friends

Length of Skirt: …is that a pair of jeans?

Type of Dancing: Awkward wedding dancer

Level of Fake Tan: Natural Irish

Also known as “the friend of the girl your mate is chatting to” the shy girl is an entirely different kettle of frogs to everything else we’ve encountered so far.

We’ve all been wingmen at some stage or another and our primary job as a wingman is to distract the friend that’s no fun while your mate(s) chat up the far more lively girls. Usually slowly sips one or two drinks for the while night while her mates neck shot after shot.

They're not ALWAYS fat

If plied with enough alcohol “the shy girl” can loosen up and you may even get her to hit the dancefloor…where the awkwardness really begins. While you do your best running man she awkwardly stands there sporadically dancing in short bursts in between saying “I don’t dance, I don’t dance.”

Usually if enough time is spent with them ie. more time than any man is willing to talk to any girl in a nightclub, these girls loosen up and are good fun to be around. Very, very occasionally resulting in a few kisses and exchanging of number (good work studly).

Very rarely sex.

Level of Easiness: 4/10

 

Clubgirl Number 4: The Alcoholic

Natural Habitat: Holding up the bar

Length of Skirt: Doesn’t matter, usually covered in vomit by the end of the night

Type of Dancing: Drunken stumbling

Level of Fake Tan: It’s all been washed off by spilled vodka, tears and puke

We all know them (most of them seem to live in Coppers) the girl that’s drunker when she arrives than you are when you leave. Barely able to talk, usually either crying, screaming or passed out in a corner covered in her own puke.

Up until they reach the point where horizontal is far easier than vertical these girls are usually great fun. Downing shots of anything and drinking anything that you put in front of them.

She was having soooo much fun

Easy takings if you have no morals or sense of decency at all (as I’m sure most of you don’t). These girls are renowned for shouting loudly, starting fights, peeing on the street, passing out in corners and getting date raped.

Level of Easiness: …totally depends on how your mother raised you

 

Clubgirl Number 5: The Woo Girls

Natural Habitat: In a giant group of fellow woo girls

Length of Skirt: Usually a hen night or birthday so all sorts

Type of Dancing: With each other/Male Stripper all while screaming (WOOO)

Woo Girls is a phrase I have stolen from the fantastic Mr. Barney Stinson. Woo girls are what happens when any of the above type of girls get together in a group for an event, hen party, birthday, divorce party…anything that women do together.

Like locusts

Woo girls can be a mixture of all the other types of clubgirl, and to keep the society of woo strong there will be at least one member of each group in a woo group.

Instantly recognised by pink cowboy hats and/or bunny ears these girls will destroy anything in their path. From far away they will all look gorgeous due to something known as the cheerleader effect. When you separate one from the herd you’ll discover why woo girls only hunt in packs. Alone they are vulnerable but together they are invincible. Kind of like a drunk, female, much louder version of the 300.

They will dance together, drink together, attack innocent men together and request terrible, terrible music together.

No group of woo girls has ever gone a night without at least one of them getting the baps out for the lads…It just happens.

Level of Easiness: If you can separate them from the herd then they’re usually drunk enough for you to be good looking 7/10

Please note that on any night one girl is capable of being any of the above different types of clubgirl. They can also be all types of clubgirl in one night. And if they are in a group they will all be woo girls.

Beware the WOO 

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3 things that society didn’t tell you would happen when you left college

1.  Your soul will be destroyed.Unless you’re one of the few that get to do something you love for a living (like boob inspector or couch tester) you might have an office job doing stuff that you neither care about nor have any desire to do.This job will basically suck every ounce of motivation that you have out of you and leave you to be a hollow shell of broken dreams and misguided optimism.

Says it all really

Why this is a shock?

Do you remember secondary school? Or even college? Basically you were always told (well I was) that when you make it to the “real world” that you’ll be whatever you want to be. And that life will be awesome.

Remember meetings with your guidance counsellor? “You can do anything you want” was their mantra. Yeah…thanks for that, because filing away invoices that nobody cares about is what I always wanted to do when we were playing “grown ups” as a kid.

The boring monotony of everybody pretending that this is really important is what always drove me to get up in the morning (this last sentence may or may not be dripping with sarcasm…hint: it is)

2.  What you studied in college (unless it’s a professional course) will mean nothing.

Unless you studied to be a doctor or a lawyer or something that people actually need to be qualified for then your degree is pretty much useless. I have a very nice degree in Journalism and a Masters in Radio and Television production. All in all four pretty expensive years in college.

Wanna know everything I learned aside from how to do jaegerbombs like a pro and learning which girls can be trusted to take contraception?

I will bomb all your Jaeger but I will be strapping up

Just click here to find out all you need to know.

That’s it. That three page PDF just taught you everything I learned from lectures apart from how to sleep until midday, wake up, get some food, then decide not to go to your lecture and go to the pub instead. Which, in all honesty, is a harder skill than I make it sound.

And then when I eventually got a job (in a field completely unrelated to anything I studied) I found out that the people that are getting paid significantly more than I was were people that had never been to college…something about that just doesn’t seem fair (in case you haven’t guessed I don’t do PR for any universities)

Why this is a shock?

When I was in college I was told that I was being trained to become a fully functioning member of society. A person that could exist within a working environment.

In reality what I was being taught was how to be awesome at being in college, which unless you plan on doing a PhD and becoming a lecturer, isn’t going to help you in a job. In a job there aren’t people constantly reminding you that that assignment is due tomorrow. You don’t get grades back on things, your bosses just call you an incompetent moron behind your back. Or in my case “my god that guy’s some sort of filing genius, an Einstein of the filing world.”

College helps you be good at being in college, working makes you good at work. Reference the jaegerbombs mentioned previously. And little did I know that being able to down a Captain America’s pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea would be of little to no use to me in an office. Also, that sleeping until Maury was on tv is perhaps the least helpful thing for my career I have ever done (shock horror: you are the baby daddy but she’s still a slut.)

3.  Algebra does not help you

Now I don’t mean to brag but when I was in school I was amazing at Maths. So I was sure that my place as “King of the Nerds” would help me achieve a similar standing in the workplace…boy was I wrong.

Ever had to solve a differential equation since you left school? Obviously if you’re a mathematician or physicist this doesn’t apply to you but if you are a mathematician or physicist why are you reading anything that I’m writing? Was it the Einstein reference in the previous section that lead you here?

Basically no matter how good you are at something in school, unless that something is directly related to what you’re working in it will be of no use to you.

Take me for example. Figuring out how the area of a circle expands as the circumference gets bigger isn’t going to help me write better boob jokes on the internet…

Why this is a shock?

Ever get told by your maths teacher that Algebra will help you? Well now’s the time to go postal and show up at their door to bludgeon them with “Texts and Tests 4.” Likewise I have yet to find myself in a social or professional situation in Ireland where being able to name all the presidents involved in the Vietnam War was able to help me.

Besides I don’t NEED to know any of this stuff…google exists for a reason. With smart phones there is literally no question that cannot be answered in minutes, rendering all education a farce.

...way to ruin Pink Floyd

Well there we have it. Why everything you have ever been told has been a God damn lie. Surely this ranks up there with finding out that Santa is really just your Uncle in a fake beard and discovering that unless you plan on cutting those boobs open, Boob inspector isn’t a real job…I had a lot of plans hanging on that one.

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Sure why wouldn’t ya?

We’ve all been there at some stage or another (unfortunately some might say), 3 euro drinks, metal blaring from all the speakers, a smoking area reeking of weed and actually fuller than the inside of the club. Ah it could only be Fibber’s on a Thursday night.

Bustling through the crowd of hair, bandanas and eye make up (and that’s just the guys) I struggled to get to the bar. Placed my order politely and was met with an incredulous tone of facial expression “yes I did order six bottles of Desperados is that ok?” Jeez some people.

Shuffled my way back to the table to deliver my round to the lads, sweating profusely might I add, and at the table next to us is a gentleman wearing a long black overcoat and a top hat. Just why?

Meeting several people that I hadn’t seen in many years (I used to be a big metal head but realised I looked ridiculous in skinny jeans and chains so I definitely could pull that shit off any more) and realised that no one has changed.

Back to the bar. More bottles of Despie. Shots of sambuka. More shots of sambuka. Things were starting to blur at this stage, my t-shirt was so sweat soaked that it felt like I wore it in the shower. Sat down and top hat, long coat guy is still in full “mad hatter” attire not a bead of sweat on his freakishly pale face. Damn him and his ability to withstand horrendous heat. Downstairs for a bit of a mosh to Rage screaming “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” like I was fifteen all over again…fantastic.

Why is it that when men are raging out to songs like that they feel compelled to take their t-shirts off no matter how godawful they look with their hair down to their arse and the potbelly on show?

Triple H spraying beer over the crowd of “dancers” was something I enjoyed watching, people were confused as to where it was coming from, I laughed.

More Despies. More shots. And a Kopparberg mixed berry that one of the lads coaxed a girl that we had never seen before into giving us for no apparent reason (just remembered that there, don’t you just love hangover flashbacks?).

Something’s ringing a bell about a bet involving and older lady, twenty euro and acts that I simply cannot post on here and then going outside twenty minutes later through the cloud of hairspray and skinny jeans to see her involved in some equally horrific, publicly indecent behaviour with a skin head. Only in Fibber’s I tell ya.

Then came the long walk down O’Connell street to Burger King. Harry limping (I still don’t know why, don’t think he does either). Ordering my food and sprite (what came out was actually fizzy water) and Harry refusing to leave until they gave us coke instead, I never did get that Coke by the way.

Vaguely recall someone, I’m not entirely sure who, running up and down the quays trying to find a taxi that would take 7 of us to Lucan and Celbridge. Next thing I know I wake up without opening my eyes and thinking “hey this isn’t as bad as I anticipated” then opening my eyes and feeling my retinas turn to ash inside my own head. Love hangovers….hate that sarcasm doesn’t translate well over text.

In bed, dying, listening to a bit o’ Lynrd Skynrd…much more my style.

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